The Conspired North

Reuters, AAP

This just in; the Northern Hemisphere is awash in conspiracies. Our man on the spot, Mr. Matthew Dentith, has the news.

“Good evening. I’m sitting here in Marylebone shaken to my very core by the revelations that the streets of London have revealed over the last week. Conspiracies, long rumoured to the blood and bone of American politics, have crossed the oceanic divide and made themselves known to the otherwise peaceful and long-term pacifist Britons.

A flower store or something more sinister?“Nearby in the heart of Mayfair, London’s notorious Bavariantown, the Illuminati, long rumoured to be the wetdream of the VRWC and a bogeyperson to the Left, have not just arisen unholy from the grave but have started opening shops to peddle their delicious and subversive thought-crimes. This reporter was able to take this shaky phonecam picture near the American Embassy before being shoved along by a police officer armed only with a sub-machine gun. That the Illuminati have reappeared on a sound economic basis can only mean that Britain’s long-standing policy of keeping Europe divided has fallen into disarray. The European Economic Consortium, better known as the anagram ‘EU,’ goes from strength to strength and the UK, always with the hating of ‘Johnny Foreigner,’ has had to contract out to the natural enemy of freedom, democracy and clean underwear, the Bavarian Illuminati.

You'd be wrong to think that such structures only exist in Prague...“Further proof comes to use from one Mr. James Hall, whose efforts in photographic journalism have not gone unnoticed. This structure, currently being built in Cheswick, appears to be a triangular structure built into a wall that towers above the township. Could this be an Illuminati temple? This reporter says ‘Yes’ wholeheartedly. The structure, probably made from the ground down bones of babies and OAPs, will likely be illuminated at night by one hundred torches made from the fats of royal personnages rendered down by the factories owned by Tory fatcats. Sensationalism, one might argue, but other sinister moves in the United Kingdom only prove this reporter’s fears.

What other body parts are being traded in the CBD?“Harley Street has long been the medical centre of the Western world, with the very best of the surgical world having their exclusive cosmetic practices upon its hallowed streets. This reporter, however, has uncovered the sinister practices of these upper-middle class quacks whose nightly practices would leave a Cthulhu worshipper feeling dirty. Yes, somewhere within the bounds of Zone One a trade in human hearts is taking place. Where these important muscles are being sourced from can only be the lower classes, once oppressed by Thatcher herself. The Cockney spirit, weakened by years of economic repression and the realisation that foreigners, like this very reporter, are taking away their livelihood, are now sacrificing themselves in the hope that the monies earnt from this foul trade will be enough to shift their families to the safety of Milton Keynes or Swansea. Government officials deny any knowledge of this organ trade, insisting that the signs have been misread. I ask you; what does ‘Heart Hospital Deliveries’ signify to you.

“The UK. No longer the land of the free and the brave; it’s very spirit is threatened by malign forces. This is Matthew Dentith, the last free-thinking individual in the bounds of the United Kingdom, signing off this special report.”

Cosmetic surgery gone wrong or an indication of unlicensed genetic transplantion?Editor’s note: Mr. Matthew Dentith’s libellous attacks on Harley Street Medicos is thought to spring from his discovery of what one of these said cosmetic surgery’s did to the late-great Alvin Stardust. The fine minds at Brainstab would like to disassociate themselves from these remarks and simply point out that the ravages of time are unfriendly to all men.